The Price of Independence
By Dr Evelyn Chen, Director of Education

I read somewhere that being fiercely independent is a defence mechanism of constantly being let down. I quickly wrote it down so that I can dwell on it and think about it, a habit I have recently cultivated.

I am somewhat saddened by this statement, because it spoke to me, of me! I know this statement as if I was the one who wrote it. But they are words of truth! Statement of fact!

There are many ways a person is brought up. There are many factors determining how a person grows up. If we are lucky, we will be surrounded by love, but love alone is not enough. Love must come with fulfilled promises, presence, reliability and trust.

I grew up with lots of love but unfortunately (or fortunately) for me, my parents were young, and the thing with young people is that they can be still living their young lives and may not always be present and/or reliable lol! My brother and I were left with our grandparents most of the time.

We learnt to fend for ourselves, make our own fun and somewhat function when our grandparents were not available. They did have 12 children themselves and could not be paying attention to me and my brother all the time. So, we improvise!

We learnt to set the alarm, get ourselves ready for school before waking our parents up to drive us to school. As we got older, we learnt to make our own meals and pretty much everything.

That same self-reliance we built as children did not stay behind in our childhood; it followed us straight into adulthood. Then came working life, and we learnt that we cannot rely on everyone, and the hardest lesson I have learnt to date is that not everyone you work with is your friend. That really broke my heart. The downside of growing up in a loving environment is that you learnt to love and trust; I carried that with me growing up and do not get me started on the number of betrayals that I have experienced. My willingness to trust may well be my Achilles’ heel, but it is HEARTBREAKING and what does not kill you, makes you stronger; and that became me! I still trust with all my heart because what is life if we constantly think ill of others! We just need to learn to count on ourselves. We just need to work harder and always remember…repeat after me….not everyone who smiles at you is your friend.

So, when trust is broken, you learn rather quickly that you can only truly rely on yourself; you make your own happiness, you make your own success, you make yourself SHINE! Just work harder… that is all.

Looking back, I would not change a single one of those years. They toughened me, but they also taught me to be resourceful, independent and hopeful, above all else. I remain sanguine, cheerful and hopeful even when things are not going my way, because somewhere along the line I learnt that resilience is not the absence of hurt, but what you choose to build on top of it.

As Epictetus once said, “There is no peace for the man who has seen what he could become.” Maybe that is the real price of independence: once you have tasted what you are capable of on your own, you can never quite go back to waiting for someone else to show up for you. And honestly? I would not trade that for the world.

xx

 

Vocabulary for the independent

Defence mechanism — a behaviour or strategy used to protect oneself from difficult emotions or situations.

Cultivated — developed or nurtured deliberately over time.

Reliability — the quality of being consistently trustworthy or dependable.

Improvise — to create or manage something spontaneously, without prior planning.

Self-reliance — the ability to depend on one’s own capabilities and judgement.

Betrayals — acts of breaking someone’s trust or loyalty.

Achilles’ heel — a critical weakness that can lead to downfall despite overall strength.

Resourceful — able to find quick and clever ways of overcoming difficulties.

Sanguine — cheerful and optimistic, even when things are not going well.

Resilience — the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties.

Words have the power to build or break. True independence is not just about standing on your own, it is about knowing how to express yourself with clarity and confidence, so you are never left waiting for someone else to speak on your behalf.

At the Ipoh Learning & Training Institute (ILTI), we believe that communication is one of the most valuable forms of self-reliance you can build. Our courses focus on emotional intelligence, professional etiquette and effective communication.

Learn to communicate with impact, grace and purpose, and take ownership of your own voice.

Your English learning journey starts here. Call/WhatsApp: 010-395 3067 or email us at

Call/WhatsApp: 010-395 3067 or email us at info@ilti.edu.my

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